Archive for the 'ramblings' Category

02
Jun
09

and so it goes

One more down.

I’ll make a proper post Thursday to recap these last couple weeks, throw some pictures up maybe.

And then we’ll discuss how i feel about all of this. My departure, returning to the real world, and the departure of my friends.

Till Thursday.

29
May
09

Like dominoes

Two more friends down.

Four left.

Dublin’s dying and it’s all too soon.

Feeling down in the mouth. I’ll make a proper post soon.

Adios, Sam and Josh.

27
May
09

Demons caught my tail!

Well, not really much to report. I’m done with four of my five finals, two of them went smashingly, two of them went, well, they smashed me, i guess. I don’t much care, though. The year’s just about done and so is my imaginary life here in this imaginary continent its inhabitants call europe. Too, that means i’m heading back to the real world that i normally live in with all those real people that live in Minnesota. The friends i’ve met here will be left here. And it’s very sad, but i don’t want to talk about that now. I’ll get to it later. Afraid to put it down in words and make it an actuality. Best to let it drift a bit until leaving is inevitable, though it’s only eleven days away, i think.

This last weekend went quite well. It was Africa Day here in Dublin and there was a big africa festival. A very good time, that. Too, saw The Republic of Loose again there, which is an irish band that’s a bit funk, a bit soul, and a lot of a good time. I saw them for the first time way back in January at RagBall, which was also a good time that i think i never mentioned on here. I get lazy, it seems. I should link a video here of the Loose boys, but i’m feeling lazy.

Been spending my days doing not very much. Everyone’s off studying for their finals. Then Sam and Josh leave on Friday and there will only be a very small bit of our friend team together here. Writing some stories, about three being written at the same time here. All very different as they tend to be. One’s all surrealism and probably impossible to make sense of. Another one is conversations without context. And the last one is about a dead girl. Yeah, um, i don’t know. They’re all different in terms of style and structure and all that.

Well, i’ll get to more things at a later date. Just wanted to update life on here. Things are kind of winding down and it’s a bit sad and frightening.

Life goes on even when you wish it wouldn’t.

Oh, and i’m home on June Seventh, can’t remember if i mentioned that. Get hyped.

21
May
09

this is not for you

Published today over at RedFez Magazine. Here’s a link to my story, This is Not for You. Save you a bit of time there. I’ve yet to read the other stories, but i recognise some of the names, such as Christ Dwyer, Alex Martin, Colin McKay Miller, and Gavin Pate, so check them out, too.

My story, meh, i wrote it over a year ago. Some of you read an earlier draft for it either in my class or on facebook. It’s changed a bit from then, pulled back the violence, but it’s still dark and brutal. Probably the darkest thing i’ve written. It’s not right for my current direction, but i forgot it was out there searching for publication and i got the surprise e-mail of acception for it. I mean, it feels good to be published, but it’s, well, just whatever, i guess.

Yeah, all from me. Give it a read if you’ve time. Also, in case you’ve not noticed, i’ve set up a page with all my published works in it as well as linking the stories over there on the right side of the page.

07
May
09

In the house in a Heartbeat

Someone’s in my apartment.

I know it.

My roommates left today. Left a mess behind, too. Anyway, i’m afraid of everything and there’s someone here, listening to the clicking of this keyboard just on the otherside of that door over there which looks more and more suspicious with every passing minute. And there, a noise, a door closing, one of my doors, and rustling of–i don’t know–lives colliding.

I’ll try to focus. I said i’d be more frequent. Apparently i lied. I’ve been meaning to write this huge manifesto on here of the art movement i’m architecting. I’m surprised that’s a word. Architecting. Sounds imaginary, more so than the rest of these symbols. Where was i? I may be losing it a bit lately. Life’s kind of unhinging itself in weird ways. Trouble’s following me and all of my friends. Too, the end to my imaginary life is almost done. But, wait, i was on the movement. I might get it up here sometime tonight or tomorrow morning or when i return from Austria.

Trinity Ball’s tomorrow. Should be quite a time. No idea what kind of time, but things are sure to be a bit crazy. After that, back to Barcelona, then to Munich and Ludwig’s castle, finally to Salzburg. My dad’s quite excited about it. Vicarious living.

What’ve i been doing lately? Too much drinking, mostly. I need to do less of that. Oh, i went back to Northern Ireland last weekend for the third time. Belfast is such a stupid city and i really don’t like it, but Giant’s Causeway is one of the coolest places on earth. Truly. Too, if i didn’t go up there, i would’ve spent the weekend in Dublin by myself. No fun, that. But, yeah, just been going wild as we tend to do.

Been doing a lot of thinking lately. My head’s in a weird place and kind of spiralling all over. I’m realising again that my memories are all barely valid and always falling apart. It’s nice to have a photographer, though. I have one, we all have one here. It’s nice. I can trace my weeks by the pictorial evidence left on facebook. My memories are all written on raindrops and sand, but these, these are real. I was at these places. I’ve seen them, touched them, smelled them. I’m alive.

Getting a bit weird here. All stream of consciousness and out of order. My head needs an editor.

Been writing again. Two shorts in the last week. They’re very short, hovering around 500 words, which is so much shorter than i thought i could ever tell a story. If you’re a regular to my site here, you’ve surely noticed my rambling incoherency. Strange that i should fancy myself a writer. These new stories, they’re not like the ones i used to write. I never want to write the way i used to. Also, i probably won’t be sending any of the new ones out for publication. Not that they’re bad, i just hate trying to get published. Writing e-mails, looking for magazines, so tiresome. Also, these stories need to be right. Correct. They need to be part of the aesthetic i’m trying to make. It’s a bit like grappling in the dark searching for a yellow feather in a room full of crows. Enough though, i’ll put up the whole atmosphere of my ideas eventually. It’s sure to be a gargantuan post and highly nonsensical and incoherent and structureless, which is actually the best way for it to be given the nature of the ideas.

Where were we?

They’re here. Who they are and what they want, i’ll never know, but they’re inside my apartment. Not ninjas because i never would’ve heard it. Ghosts maybe. Monsters–i certainly hope not–i’d probably already be dead if it was a monster. Ghosts seems most likely. Unless, of course, we’re being rationale and it’s a human or–and what a thought!–nothing at all.

I’m getting all wired and wound and lost here.

The words scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamble on. Next time, which will either be very very soon, like in a couple of hours, or quite long from now. Leaving Saturday and arriving back the following Saturday.

29
Apr
09

Fingertips to the Star

Some things go very right in my life.

Other things go very wrong.

The days treat me well in Dublin. The weather looks like it’s turning around. I bought some new shoes today. They’re loud, loudest shoes i’ve ever worn, anyway. I’m finally almost done with my year long project, just need to present Thursday morning after which i’ll do that toss your cowboy hat in the air and shoot the six shooters to the sky whilst pounding feet in delightful steps with yowls of glee tearing through the airwaves. Then, the weekend and it sounds like many things are being planned. Next week is Trinity Ball, then back to Barcelona, followed by a journey from Frankfurt to Salzburg. Of course, fun stops there: exam time.

Some things fall apart, though, and thousands of miles make the threads hard to weave back. Little else to do but watch as they unravel and the rope you were holding for so long turns into a single thread barely staying together against the wind.

Love that song, there. Been getting back into good man Oberst over the last week. Trevor’s doing, no doubt. I thought i had everything Conor Oberst put on tape, but i somehow missed this song. Very glad it’s come to my attention. I think i might write a poem for ye here. On the fly, of course, because it seems to be the only way i can write them anymore. Makes them fun for me. Hopefully for you, too.

‘Take a breath and close your eyes,’
she listened to my heart beneath October skies.
The scent of her hair filled the air
and i kissed her head to show i still care.

‘It’s never right,’ last night she cried;
the crack of her voice, and parts of me died.
Shaking from tears, choking down broken words,
my hand on her back, each finger like swords,
she shuddered and crumbled back,
a metaphorical heart attack.

We lie now together only to once more lie
to each other with sweet yet shallow speech.
We drift beyond our fingertip reach
until the sight of you becomes a blight.

She screamed and watched the world,
so fragile and cold, melt till it swirled
into a home unwanted, forlorn and forgotten,
where no love could ever be begotten.
I reached to her, to stroke her face,
she fought and she ran leaving me in disgrace.

‘What did you see behind your eyelids?’
I opened them to her smiling like shy kids.
‘I saw a star falling down, far through the ground.
Reminded me of love.’ And she makes not a sound.

‘Do you love me?’ her tears fell for hours
and i knew no words, just lies to rain like showers
upon her, to protect one or the other.
‘”Love cannot be told,” always said my mother.’
Her face fell apart in sobs like ashen leaves.
I held her then, but she never believes.

Her silence permeates and suffocates the air
because she knows we never meant to care.
Her body frozen and unreachable, distant and gone
from me, i reach but it’s been too long.

I sing to her a song
but it’ll always be wrong.
We’re out of tune
and she’s gone too soon.

15
Apr
09

We write to create the future, not to destroy the past

There have been exactly 942 visitors to this site at the moment i type this sentence. I’ve had this site for just over six months. I think that means i’m doing fairly well. It looks like i average probably five visitors a day, which, i think, means i get probably three readers every other day. Because, let’s face it, most people just click the link. i know i click links like it’s going out of style. Can’t help it, really. You link something, i’m there. But, yeah, i’d guess probably 300 of the visitors have read something here and i’d guess that those 300 visitors represent fifty people [generous number, there], some of whom’ve read one post and other, like Ian [you're the man] who’ve read all or close to all. Yeah, that’s my calculations.

Been obsessed with that song for the last couple of days. I should do another video post of all the song’s i’ve been diggin on recently. Those are always fun, i think. Though, i mean, could just be me.

This post is mostly about how i spent this most recent Saturday. I stayed in bed all day and chronicled what went on outside my window and various other things. I wrote it, or typed, rather, it all down, so i’m just going to copy and past it.

Saturday the whatevereth of April

It’s three in the afternoon. I’m still in bed, have a headache, and an empty case of beer next to me, drank more than i meant to. Or should have, rather.

From my bed, the sky looks glorious and i wish i was spending my day outside. There’s nice weather in Dublin lately. The sky’s that beautiful blue, but not endless; the great puffclouds are trudging past, not ominously, but prettily. Like they know something i don’t, something wonderful that i’ve only hinted at in my years on earth.

There’s love to be made
or so she said
while holding my hand,
our feet in the sand.

We swoon when the water
hits our toes,
and so it goes:
we made a lovely daughter.

Anabelle Lee was the name intended,
though we changed it quick
less she grow to be offended
by the awful name we made to stick

upon her life for all her days.
Little Jessica was a delight,
all smiles and elegant ways.
Our daughter, a prize, a beauteous sight.

She did begin to grow.
A lovely life as a show
for us to watch and script
behind our coffees being sipped.

Age comes as it’s wont to do
and bid living farewell, my wife,
my love, my magnificent Jew,
was forced to leave behind this life.

Young Jessica cried and cried
but no tears came for me
just desire to travel and see
the world before i, too, died.

Packing our bags, we took to the road.
Just my Jessica and my fading life
off to nowhere, writing my ode
to a life led well, a story free of strife.

Just my Jessica and me
A daughter, a companion, see.
We travel on and on for days and years,
beyond my life, forever past, free from fears.

We drive on.

There’s a cat who lives in the courtyard, too. I call him Alexander because it’s a kingly name and he’s a beautiful specimen. Though, it’s possible he is a she, in which case i’ll call her Alexandra. He wanders the courtyard, prowling, rather, in search of something, a bird or a small child to fiend on. Cat’s know things. This, i know.

Last night was a good night, mind. Got together with my friends, some of whom i’d not seen since France. We got a bit wild, as we tend to do. Watched The Life Aquatic and reminisced about Manifest Destiny and the Amsterdam/Parisian adventure.

Also, a girl with a pretty voice called me and i’m sure i made a bit of a fool of myself while talking to her. I’m a foolish person, though, so it’s to be expected. And she was kind enough to not make me feel stupid. Or maybe she was and i can’t remember.

Now Annabelle Lee was from Tennessee.
A feisty young lass with ten kinds of class,
she’d spit and she’d holler, she’d undo your collar.

Henry O’Toole was nobody’s fool,
but he came unawares, forgetting his cares,
to the spot on the dot where one could fit a cot.

Little fat Carol was known for his barrel.
He rolled it down hills where sometimes it kills.
A terror, he be, so beware when you see a fat boy from Tennessee.

Henry O’Toole, who was still nobody’s fool,
took the long road devoid of a magic fortune telling toad
to Tennessee to see the famous Annabelle Lee.

On his way, he met Little fat Carol and his deadly old barrel.
Fat Carol was sorrowful, his barrel, so powerful,
was beaten and damaged, a wreckage of woodage.

But Henry O’Toole pulled up a stool,
rolled up his sleeves, face in the breeze,
and commenced to mend the barrel of Carol.

Fat Carol was pleased, his barrel appeased,
He thanked Henry O’Toole, called him nobody’s fool,
and left merrily, to kill, verily.

Annabelle Lee danced on the stage of Tennessee,
for all life is one, or so they say, till it is done.
She danced and romanced, famous at last.

Henry O’Toole strolled in real cool looking nobody’s fool.
He searched for Annabelle Lee, for just a chance to see
her grace his face and the stage with her lace.

Annabelle Lee spotted Henry O’Toole sipping tea on a stool.
A handsome young man, a little bit tan; the ladies, all fans.
She walked to a desired new lover and he damn near tipped over.

Henry O’Toole was wordless, but far from worthless.
He swooped her off her feet, showed he was the man she needed to meet,
‘Annabelle Lee, you’re gonna see, that you’re the only woman for me!’ said he.

It’s near five in the afternoon now. Alexander’s back, just lounging in the sun–a rarity here–and licking himself. The sun’s been staying out later and later these days. Just a few months ago, it’d already be dark at this time. The sky’s opened up a bit, too, and i smell delicious food coming from somewhere.
I’m really hungry and still haven’t left my room. Afraid to see my roommates, i think. Who knows what they thought i was doing last night, talking to one amerikan girl, and then another amerikan girl i’ve not seen in years.

I don’t much recall what we talked about, but i remember laughing a lot and enjoying myself. I’m sure i was quite comical.

In probably four hours, i’ll be out making a fool of myself again.

Young Tomas was always cross.
He cursed and he cussed;
he made a big fuss,
so his mother did say,
in that way that they do,
‘Tomas, my dear,
you really must behave
or the world’ll think ye
a knave.’
Tomas, so cross, tossed
himself outside,
far from foul felt-tip admonishes.
He kicked and he shuffled,
his boots filled with rubble.
He hollered and hooted,
shouted and tooted.
Billy boy heard all the ruckus
and followed the rumpus
to where Tomas,
so cross,
was resting.
‘Tomas,’ he did say
in that boyish of ways,
‘your Mother says you’re a mess,
that you lashed out
and looted.’
‘What of it?’ seethed Tomas.
‘Well,’ Billy stammered,
‘You musn’t be so reprehensible,
it’s far from civil
and not one bit
jovial.’
‘Ah, your joviality
and civility
and respectability
can rot in a pot!’
Tomas did rage.
‘I’m tired of rules
and more so of fools!
The lot of ye
can rot!’
Billy boy left him,
for no fun’s to be had
with a boy
so far from glad.
But Tomas still fumed,
thought rebellions would swarm
from the ill thoughts
born.
Tomas did not see
that callous rage
birthed only
platitudinous,
ponderous,
woe-begotten
absurdity.
With Tomas as a guide,
a lonely
regretful
life ye’ll lead.
So cheer up
and smile more
because Tomas,
poor Tomas so cross,
is not you.

It’s 630pm now.I’m kind of drifting in and out of it. Still sitting in bed, looking out the window. I was listening to the score to The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis–a fantastic album, no doubt–and this song came on:

while i was watching the clouds float by.
I got one of those feelings that i get every now and then. Something deep inside, where the whole earth kind of fills me and the grandness, the magnificence of existence sort of overflows and the world shimmers. Everything becomes so still, so, i don’t know, epic and important. And the clouds, they know me, or know i’m here, not sure it matters. They know i’m watching, anyway. And the dance by, so elegantly, so perfectly, just like these violin strings and the piano keys that tap in at 2:15 of that song. You hear it and something, not clicks, but sort of orients itself in just the right way. You know the day’s not wasted, though you’ve spent it in bed, because you’re here now, where you were meant to be, where all of this could happen, had to happen. And you–not sure why i’m in second person–smile. For no reason, just this sensation, this almost overwhelming fullness that comes when you’re living in those clouds, so beautiful and high above, watching down.

‘Come away with me into the night.
Give your hand, my dear,
we’ve miles to go before first light.’

She stretched forth her hand,
and in a sweep of black feathers,
she flew over grass, stone, and sand.

Closing her eyes and clutching tight,
she felt him, like raven feathers
brushing her cheek, and lost all her fright.

‘Be not afraid,’ his voice echoed in her head,
‘you’re safe here with me. Open your eyes.’
These words resonated, but were never said.

Hundreds of feet below shimmering with light,
the ground flew by in kaleidoscopic swirls
of greens, blues, reds, and purples wound tight.

She gasped and swallowed a scream,
clutching tighter to him,
though a bird he did seem.

And man he was not, but a creature of might,
existing between day and night,
balanced on gloam, near the death of light.

More feathers than skin, more demon than man,
he’s known as Orpheus, the Shadowking,
the keeper of the night and all that lives then.

Blacker than night, he swallowed the light,
ripping it from the surrounding,
making the world appear colorful and bright.

She clung close to him and wondered where he led.
‘To the birth of the day,’ he said,
though she never asked aloud, but only in her head.

And so they flew further into that dark night
leaving far behind all remnants of light
where the beauty of earth burned a bit more bright.

It’s now nearly one in the morning. The window stopped being interesting hours ago, but i’m still here.

Danny the Duck danced
to dangerous degrees of
dizzying drumtop drops.

Robert the Robin robbed
a Red Robin recently revealed
and revered as a regal restaurant.

Sam the Swan swam
stupendously in sweltering
serendipitous streams.

Bobby the Birdwatcher browsed
beaches and birches for birds
busting with brilliance.

I left my post for about an hour to return a movie and find out if my roommates were still alive. They are. I’ve still not brushed my teeth or anything. I ate a huge steak, though. It was bigger than my frying pan so i had to do it in waves. Who knows what happened outside my window whilst i was away. Alexander may’ve done some fiendish deeds. Too, before i left, i saw another cat, which makes me think Alexander has a girlfriend. Her name’s Ophelia. I might play with them tomorrow.

Lay down beside me, dear.
Yes, rest your head here.
A pillow out of my arm,
for you, pleasant and warm.

Lay down beside me, love.
Be careful, no need to shove.
Your kisses, so sweet,
a whispered heartbeat.

Soft midnight hair
spread everywhere,
looking so pretty
enough so to write this ditty.

Your eyes gleam with begs
when i reach between your legs.
A tongue like a wandering star,
we’ll take this so far.

This started so innocent,
but turned quite magnificent
with every touch of your lips
and the feeling of your hips.

No longer laying beside me,
but sitting on top where i see
the curve of your breast,
and adore all the rest.

Deeper inside her,
all flesh turns a blur.
Faster and faster, then slow,
i sense the curl of her toe.

Gasping and heaving,
our bodies interweaving.
You stay so still up above,
lay down beside me, my love.

It’s almost 6am.

And so the sun does rise
lighting up the open skies,
flooding through my closed eyes;
they open as night’s dream dies.

And so, too, i must rise,
brush the sleep from my tired eyes,
prepare for the day with grateful sighs,
and so i rise to enjoy these April skies.

The birds have been awake for a while. I hear them singing or tweeting or whatever it is they do with their time. The sky, it’s opened up again, cloudless, and it’s starting to brighten.

She came a long way,
or so they do say,
to lie in the grass
and itch her sweet ass.

A kitten came to greet her.
With shadowed fluffed fur
and cold nose kisses,
it pranced to the young missus.

Fingers rubbing behinds ears,
young missus forgot all her years
spent wandering earth for this patch
of grass with a kitten to scratch.

Clouds before her green eyes
masked the bluest of skies.
The grass, soft as a bed,
tickled the back of her head.

The kitten softly did purr,
rubbing its head into her.
A sandpaper wetness on her face,
the kitten meowed with such grace.

To forever lie there
was a dream she could wear
as long as the sun shone.
‘Forever,’ she did moan.

A beautiful companion,
and not just anyone,
but a beautiful kitten.
Young missus, so smitten.

And there she did lie
beneath a glorious sky
with the feline so dear
forever, and one more year.

So, yeah, i spent about twenty four hours in bed. So close to a wasted day, but quite all right with me. I wrote a lot of poems, silly rhymes, for my own amusement. Thought i’d share them with ye, see if you get a bit of enjoyment from some scribblings.

The work for the semester’s nearly all done. Laura’s coming to visit for the weekend. I’ll tell you about it next week. My sleep schedule is so backwards and cockeyed that it’s a bit ridiculous, but i decided to stay up to get it back on track. About to go to sleep, truth be told. But, yeah, yesterday i went to bed at 11am, woke up at 5pm, and haven’t slept since then. It’s about 130am now. Too long to go without sleep.

I’ll get to all that stuff i brought up in the post below this one eventually. Patience, my dears.

Good night.

10
Apr
09

Our songs will all be silenced, but what of it?

Go on singing.

Orson Welles, there. From what, i can’t recall of the top of my head, but it’s a great line to mine ears.

Nothing to report, really. Since Dewey left, i’ve had essays to write, which i’ve not done. Well, got one done, and one’s in that grey area between started and finished. I’m gonna turn it in tomorrow and accept the lateness of it. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, my grades are already ruined here, what’s a few more points? But, yeay, did that thing where i feel guilty about not finishing my work so i sit in my room with the door closed for days. Being holed up sucks and makes me all kinds of restless. Team Zissou tonight, excited for that.

Yeah, nothing to report. After, say, Wednesday, though, i’ll be done until May 18th, which is pretty boss. It’ll be nice to go back to a real life. Though, i’ve only about two more months in europe, which is a strange and somewhat frightening thought. I’ve not the patience to explain why at the moment as it’ll end up being an epic post in the near future.

Got my brain working on some stuff of the literary type. Though, because of the essay guilt, i’ve kept it in my noode, but i’ll let you in on this theory and movement in the works. Not now, but soon.Too, got rejected from all of those summer research positions, so i’m in the works of finding an alternative. May have already done so, but i’ll let you know about that later, too.

Can i be more vague?

Yes.

Um, nothing else, i guess. Just felt like getting some words out here.

I’ll make a real post when all this work’s finished and i can get some time to process the world outside of my room.

13
Mar
09

New theme

It’s a bit darker in color, but i prefer it to the old one. Let me know if it’s hard on the eyes or anything like that.

27
Feb
09

At this Mediocrity

I finally got the applications all sorted out and sent away. Only took me near six hours to get around to doing it, though it took about one hour to actually fill out the forms and such.

That weight’s off my shoulders, but there’s all sorts of other trouble about to head ym way with more essays and a different research proposal i need to make for the summer. Man, so much trouble just in order to have a future that i may not even want.

I really just need to find a beautiful, motivated girl who’s excited about work and her future career. I’d be a made man. Stay at home, look after the kids, do the laundry, cook the meals, all that. That’s what i want.

Lord, save me from the future. Plant a girl down beside me. I want to be that stay at home dad. It could be my life if i’m lucky.

Been watching Radiohead at Saitama the last little while. A cool and recent concert in Japan, i think, by the greatest band in the world. Enjoy.




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