Archive for the 'ramblings' Category


Our songs will all be silenced, but what of it?

Go on singing.

Orson Welles, there. From what, i can’t recall of the top of my head, but it’s a great line to mine ears.

Nothing to report, really. Since Dewey left, i’ve had essays to write, which i’ve not done. Well, got one done, and one’s in that grey area between started and finished. I’m gonna turn it in tomorrow and accept the lateness of it. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, my grades are already ruined here, what’s a few more points? But, yeay, did that thing where i feel guilty about not finishing my work so i sit in my room with the door closed for days. Being holed up sucks and makes me all kinds of restless. Team Zissou tonight, excited for that.

Yeah, nothing to report. After, say, Wednesday, though, i’ll be done until May 18th, which is pretty boss. It’ll be nice to go back to a real life. Though, i’ve only about two more months in europe, which is a strange and somewhat frightening thought. I’ve not the patience to explain why at the moment as it’ll end up being an epic post in the near future.

Got my brain working on some stuff of the literary type. Though, because of the essay guilt, i’ve kept it in my noode, but i’ll let you in on this theory and movement in the works. Not now, but soon.Too, got rejected from all of those summer research positions, so i’m in the works of finding an alternative. May have already done so, but i’ll let you know about that later, too.

Can i be more vague?


Um, nothing else, i guess. Just felt like getting some words out here.

I’ll make a real post when all this work’s finished and i can get some time to process the world outside of my room.


New theme

It’s a bit darker in color, but i prefer it to the old one. Let me know if it’s hard on the eyes or anything like that.


At this Mediocrity

I finally got the applications all sorted out and sent away. Only took me near six hours to get around to doing it, though it took about one hour to actually fill out the forms and such.

That weight’s off my shoulders, but there’s all sorts of other trouble about to head ym way with more essays and a different research proposal i need to make for the summer. Man, so much trouble just in order to have a future that i may not even want.

I really just need to find a beautiful, motivated girl who’s excited about work and her future career. I’d be a made man. Stay at home, look after the kids, do the laundry, cook the meals, all that. That’s what i want.

Lord, save me from the future. Plant a girl down beside me. I want to be that stay at home dad. It could be my life if i’m lucky.

Been watching Radiohead at Saitama the last little while. A cool and recent concert in Japan, i think, by the greatest band in the world. Enjoy.


And when you see me coming

So many things i should be doing now, should’ve been doing for hours, but i think i need to get my fingers moving a bit or i’ll never get anything done. Four applications due tomorrow and i’ve still barely started any of them and i want to finish them all by three, which is about forty minutes, so there’s just no way. I mean, i’ve been here since eleven and all i’ve done is watch hours of live videos of people like Bon Iver and Sigur Ros and Third Eye Blind, which is quite a strange playlist now that i think about it. Anyway, what’s the point of this post if any of these have a point? No idea yet, but i guess i’ll just chat a bit about this week because i think i’ve posted fairly recently so there couldn’t be too much news to relate.

This week was supposed to be my get everything done and finalised week. Instead it’s been my least productive week in, well, weeks. I accidentally skipped a bunch of classes and didn’t do anything of importance. Just a lot of shenanigans and hijinxs and general jubilations. I went to Phoenix Park, though. It’s the biggest park in Europe and it was an awesome time. Didn’t really see much of it, though. Mostly just sat in a field and enjoyed the fact that Ireland has a sun sometimes. Shining now, actually, but i’m still sitting here wasting away the hours. Anyway, Phoenix Park, yeah, very good time there. Played in a tree, too. I miss doing that. Felt so good to just hang out in some branches. I’ll put a photo up here because i think i finally figured out how to do that.

I snapped that and it looks much better than i expected. I hate my camera, but it actually does some things quite well. That whole day ended up being quite ridiculous and so fun. Maybe the best day spent yet in this country. Yeah, lots of good times. A pirate and Jasmine.

Last night ended up being quite wild, too, and a lot of it disappeared. Probably made a bit of a fool of myself, but i’m okay with that. I’m a foolish person and always have been and always will be and refuse to be otherwise.

Not sure if my fingers are feeling up to the application task yet, but i’ve really nothing to say here. And really, i need to do that business or my summer’s ruined. Though really, these research programs [or programmes if you’re European] will more than likely ruin my summer. I never seem to have a good summer. Stupid long sunny days.

I think i’m going to feed some ducks today, but might wait until the weekend or just never feed them. I’ve never done that before, feed ducks, but i think it’d be a good idea.


Uh oh…

I think my travelogue is much more boring now that i’m doing no traveling. Fear not, for traveling will happen soon. Going to the North in a few weeks. End of March, i’ll be in Paris again–might just stay there this time. Late April or early May, i’m taking a whirlwind tour of Europe. Flying into Germany, then taking a train to Russia, then down to Budapest–finally–then through Italy and Spain. That plan has yet to be planned and i may be going it alone–which really doesn’t bother me and actually kind of excites me–but i’ll be looking into it soon. Should be somewhere around ten to fifteen days over the continent.

Um, the creative writing’s on a standstill until i get these essays under control. Mean tot do that today, but something’s wrong with my school password and i can’t do anything. Gonna sort it all out tomorrow.

Also, watching Radiohead live in Glastonbury 2003, which is the full concert over on youtube. Can’t even tell you how many times i’ve gotten the chills here. So so so sos os sos so sos sos so so so so sos os good. Check it if you’ve ninety minutes to kill.


Words of a Man gone Mad

Caught Milk yesterday. Not the liquid. Hate that stuff and can’t even remember the last time i drank some. Must be going on four milkless years by now. But, yeah, the film is what i mean. Really dig this film and knew not a single thing about who the man was until, like, two months ago. Gus Van Sant does as usual, which is to say, he made the film very well with some fantastically interesting sequences. Like the scene that happens through the whistle, just great. Josh Brolin does a great job, but i think he gets too much credit for his performance. Franco, Hersch, and Diego Luna give much better performances, i think, and probably deserve the supporting actor nomination more than Brolin. Though, Brolin’s become a Hollywood golden boy over the last year. Not a surprise, is what i mean. And then there’s Sean Penn, always fantastic, and pulls it big here. Really just a great movie that’ll tug at your heartstrings if you have them. Linking the trailer because it’s cooler that way.

But, yeah, really liked it. Also got me thinking about a lot of things. About how there’s nothing that i believe in or care about in the way that so many others do. I’ve no cause, no flag to wave, no slogan to chant, nothing like that. And in me, there’s a revolutionary almost bursting at the seams, but i’ve nowhere and nothing to revolt against. There’s no coherence to it, just a one man revolt against the world that i do not and, most likely, will never understand or feel apart of. And that’s part of it, i think. There’s a disconnect between me and the real world. I mean, it’s here and i can touch it, i can run my hands through it, but i don’t feel it. It’s not my world and i don’t belong here. And it’s because of this that i want it all to change, to burn the world down and start again.

I feel myself against everything. Against men, women, government, politics, religion, science, the natural order, class structure, art, political correctness, censorship, love, war, elitism [always], pretension, i could probably go on and on and on. So much of life and the world are troubling to me and i’d like to change them all, refashion them. But it’s not in me. I’m a man of big ideas and inaction. I don’t think you can change the world. Or at least not the way i’d like to. And i’ve no cause to support, only causes that i defy. But i’m a passive man. I’ve not it in me to change others. I don’t want to change them. You see, i’ve no idea what i’d rather have than the way things are; i can’t see it or hear it or feel what it should be. But i know it’s there, or will be there with the right amount of chaos injected. Ideally, maybe. Mostly, i think the world needs something new.

So i fight all these things as a one man army in my one man ways. But what do i believe in? What do i stand behind? I couldn’t tell you. The only ideas i can understand enough to get behind are my own that i’ve made up. Contradictions and absurdity. I see no meaning in the world or this life. No purpose either. But i’m here, and i’ll live life the way i think it’s meant to be lived.

I’ll leave no footsteps here. No memories of me. I will drift as a ghost through life and fade into nonexistence the same way i faded in.

Things got a bit heavy here, i suppose. I hope i don’t come off as a misanthropic curmudgeon all the time. I don’t mean to and i’m typically in a pretty good mood. I mean, life treats me well and i enjoy my life, would change a lot of things, but am quite content with my life.

Too caught a glorious Planet Earth-esque documentary on the BBC last night. Will link a view clips.

Such a beautiful moment and there were a lot of them in this show. You know, i never really believed in family before, but things like this make me want to believe. There were some great moments with a fox family as well that i can’t seem to find on the tube of you. But really beautiful and wonderful moments that almost brought a tear to my eye. It’s all so natural and glorious the ways they care for one another and love one another. Tragic, too, the way so many must die in order for so few to live.

But it’s shows like this and moments like this that remind me how connected everything is. Not just within families or even across families, but across cultures and species; we’re all here in the same boat drifting on a river we can’t see.

I think that’s more than enough from me right now. Lots of incoherence here.


Luckless Weekend

I should be sitting in Budapest doing the most awesome of things and having the best weekend of my life. Instead, i’m at the library cursing the sunshine. My flight got canceled and i am unbelievably bitter about it. The entire airport was closed and every flight was canceled because of the snow. The snow. The snow. In Dublin, of all places, of all times for it to snow. We refunded our tickets, which i’m actually still waiting for. The refund, i mean, my bank account isn’t showing it yet. I’ll be so pissed if they don’t send me that money quick.

Last night, because of the tragedy of it all, we just bought wine and wallowed. Today, it happens to be a beautiful day and i’m going to strangle a newborn or the first person that talks to me in an unfriendly way. Feeling really annoyed if it’s not apparent. Probably going to hide out the whole weekend. Go underground and not show my face til Monday. Might drink some more wine, maybe catch a film. Still been meaning to hit the new Underworld and Milk, too. I don’t know, might just rent something, take myself on a date and eat right. And wine, of course.

Well, yeah, instead of a tremendous time spent in a foreign land, i’ll be having a boring time in a foreign land that’s not so foreign to me. Really, just quite upset.

August 2019
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