Archive for February 12th, 2009

12
Feb
09

Words of a Man gone Mad

Caught Milk yesterday. Not the liquid. Hate that stuff and can’t even remember the last time i drank some. Must be going on four milkless years by now. But, yeah, the film is what i mean. Really dig this film and knew not a single thing about who the man was until, like, two months ago. Gus Van Sant does as usual, which is to say, he made the film very well with some fantastically interesting sequences. Like the scene that happens through the whistle, just great. Josh Brolin does a great job, but i think he gets too much credit for his performance. Franco, Hersch, and Diego Luna give much better performances, i think, and probably deserve the supporting actor nomination more than Brolin. Though, Brolin’s become a Hollywood golden boy over the last year. Not a surprise, is what i mean. And then there’s Sean Penn, always fantastic, and pulls it big here. Really just a great movie that’ll tug at your heartstrings if you have them. Linking the trailer because it’s cooler that way.

But, yeah, really liked it. Also got me thinking about a lot of things. About how there’s nothing that i believe in or care about in the way that so many others do. I’ve no cause, no flag to wave, no slogan to chant, nothing like that. And in me, there’s a revolutionary almost bursting at the seams, but i’ve nowhere and nothing to revolt against. There’s no coherence to it, just a one man revolt against the world that i do not and, most likely, will never understand or feel apart of. And that’s part of it, i think. There’s a disconnect between me and the real world. I mean, it’s here and i can touch it, i can run my hands through it, but i don’t feel it. It’s not my world and i don’t belong here. And it’s because of this that i want it all to change, to burn the world down and start again.

I feel myself against everything. Against men, women, government, politics, religion, science, the natural order, class structure, art, political correctness, censorship, love, war, elitism [always], pretension, i could probably go on and on and on. So much of life and the world are troubling to me and i’d like to change them all, refashion them. But it’s not in me. I’m a man of big ideas and inaction. I don’t think you can change the world. Or at least not the way i’d like to. And i’ve no cause to support, only causes that i defy. But i’m a passive man. I’ve not it in me to change others. I don’t want to change them. You see, i’ve no idea what i’d rather have than the way things are; i can’t see it or hear it or feel what it should be. But i know it’s there, or will be there with the right amount of chaos injected. Ideally, maybe. Mostly, i think the world needs something new.

So i fight all these things as a one man army in my one man ways. But what do i believe in? What do i stand behind? I couldn’t tell you. The only ideas i can understand enough to get behind are my own that i’ve made up. Contradictions and absurdity. I see no meaning in the world or this life. No purpose either. But i’m here, and i’ll live life the way i think it’s meant to be lived.

I’ll leave no footsteps here. No memories of me. I will drift as a ghost through life and fade into nonexistence the same way i faded in.

Things got a bit heavy here, i suppose. I hope i don’t come off as a misanthropic curmudgeon all the time. I don’t mean to and i’m typically in a pretty good mood. I mean, life treats me well and i enjoy my life, would change a lot of things, but am quite content with my life.

Too caught a glorious Planet Earth-esque documentary on the BBC last night. Will link a view clips.

Such a beautiful moment and there were a lot of them in this show. You know, i never really believed in family before, but things like this make me want to believe. There were some great moments with a fox family as well that i can’t seem to find on the tube of you. But really beautiful and wonderful moments that almost brought a tear to my eye. It’s all so natural and glorious the ways they care for one another and love one another. Tragic, too, the way so many must die in order for so few to live.

But it’s shows like this and moments like this that remind me how connected everything is. Not just within families or even across families, but across cultures and species; we’re all here in the same boat drifting on a river we can’t see.

I think that’s more than enough from me right now. Lots of incoherence here.

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